Monday, March 20, 2006

Mystic Tan on Leather

Outside of the grocery store one in a upscale neighborhood, I saw two posh ladies chatting up at the entrance. One a brunette and one a blonde. The blond was rail thing and wearing a little brown corduroy outfit with fur tim and short UGGS. Her hair was long, thick, and platinum in color. She had an expensive designer bag on her shoulder.

I just assumed she was the usual 35-40 year old rich suburban glamourpuss seen shopping there. But then she turned to the side, and I saw leather.

Orange leather.

It was so fucking shocking, I almost yelped. I probably did jump back a bit, but I don't think she noticed. She might has well had two heads, she was that much of a freak.

I was still getting over the sight. I mean, holy schnickeys, you can't go around looking all young and hip from the back and then turn into a fried egg yolk when you turn to the front. You gotta give some kind of warning. There should be some kind of a bumpersticker on your back that says; Brace yourself, I'm turning around., or I hoped you stuffed some Quilted Northern in your pants, 'cause when you see my face, you're gonna fall on your ass.

I couldn't shake that face. It was just like that middleaged, over-tanned neighbor from There's Something About Mary. And then halfway done with my shopping, I was about to come face to face with her.

She was pushing her cart toward me down the frozen food aisle. Then we met where a stockboy was stacking the Green Giant baby peas. I was stuck, there was not enough room for me to go around him and her and her cart. I thought I was gonna lose it for sure.

The unsuspecting college boy was looking at her feet and started to look up and answer her. The poor, unfortunate soul. I watched his face, while I winced inside.

He caught the face and momemtarily froze. The Leather started to re-ask where the creamed spinach was and as straight-faced as he could, he answered her.

I wish I'd had a camera phone. I wish I had a flipping film crew with me. It was pretty wild.


Accidently, an unfinished version of this post was published last night. I was positive that I had saved it as a "draft". Anyway, I think that "Charlie"-aka starkist tuna, and "Amy"-incredible off-the-cuff-poet, will be a little thrown off by this. But I'd like to thank them for their comments on what was a pretty dry bit of a post. You should read these comments, especially Amy's.

charlie said...
They would be chatting about something really profound. No?
21 March, 2006

Amy said...
two posh ladies chatting at the doorone a dark haired beauty

one a fur trimmed corduroy wearing whore

the dark haired beauty was listening intently

as the blonde was gossiping relentlessly

when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

i sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

and as the blonde suddenly realized she had somewhere better to be

she told the dark haired beauty that she had to go pee

the end
21 March, 2006

debbiecakes said...
Good Lord, Amy. That was impressive. I think your comment should have been my post instead. Funny thing is that I didn't know until just now that my post went up-it's only half done, I swore that I saved it as draft-Blogger's been fucking with me.
21 March, 2006


At 21 March, 2006, Blogger Lena said...

I used to live in Orange County and you learned real quick that the package always looked good from afar.

I've learned to brace for the worst. Most faces look like turkey jerky after about 30 years in the sun down here.

At 21 March, 2006, Blogger 3rd Times a Charm said...

Getting old (er) is harsh, and not for the weak. Sadly in orange face's mind, she is still the hot young 21 yr old blonde, w/a great "tan."

I remember at 25 when my girlfriend and I would be out, and we would see women like this, one of us would turn to the other and say, "If I ever, just shoot me dead." (At 42 I'm re-thinking those words!) ;-)

Great post Debbiecakes, and the comments to your partial post were definitely worth attaching! :-)


At 21 March, 2006, Blogger Lady Strathconn said...

OH my gawd!

At 21 March, 2006, Blogger debbiecakes said...

Lena- why couldn't someone like you have been there to warn me, the Gods were playing a cruel joke on me in the frozen food aisle. I did not least not right away.

3rdXaCharm-You know, I'm in between the Jr and Misses departments now. But, you don't need to worry, you look smashing,darling.

Lady- Um, like, yeah, I KNOW!

At 22 March, 2006, Blogger Curare_Z said...

She should've been asking for the SPF 75, not the creamed spinach! :-)

At 22 March, 2006, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

"I mean, holy schnickeys, you can't go around looking all young and hip from the back and then turn into a fried egg yolk when you turn to the front."

Bahaha. That was brilliant! I'm going to be snickering about this all day!

At 23 March, 2006, Blogger Kim said...

I feel exactly that way everytime i see an old guy in a speedo...

At 24 March, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anyway, I think I once danced with this woman in a north of England Palais de Dance in the late 60s. She sounds familiar. Overly familiar perhaps!

At 09 May, 2008, Blogger Melanie said...

yeah there comes a point when you really should have GRAY hair as a old person red alert. That should help some. I think.


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