Thursday, April 20, 2006

Let your finger do the talking.

I don't remember exactly how it got started, but I could say that about most of the family's inside jokes.

The talking pinky.

It might have been born from a Saturday Night Live skit that we evolved into our own thing, but the the talking pinky has been around for years.

When I find myself being very polite and proper around people who'd never get my sarcasm I start to feel nauseous. It's hard being my "proper self" around certain people. You know the ones, they just can't take a joke. You couldn't break that face with a hammer. So I rely on my old trustworthy friend, the pinky.

The pinky tells it like it is. Or at least like it is in your head. The pinky represents truth and honesty, but not necessarily honor and modesty.

Don't like someone's sweater? You could say to them, "Oh, that is a lovely holiday sweater! Where'd you get that? It's sooooo cute!" and the pinky can say, "Yeah, that's a real nice sweater...for a moron."

The pinky can get away with saying anything. But you have to do it right. All you need is two things, a pinky and a general hatred of people.

Be saccarin sweet to the victim, then raise your pinky and speak in a low voice out the side of your mouth. Be careful, though. You don't want them to notice and ask things like, "What was that? Did you just call me a fucking idiot?" You better be quick with a back-pedal response then, and that's not an area I can help you with. Good cover-ups take a lot of time and experience to perfect. Just ask my uncle, Mickey.

He's been in hot water plenty of times for his side-of-the-mouth remarks, especially when for the ones he lets rip in front customers of the shoe store. He still hasn't gotten the hang of the pinky. Muttering things like, "little shits" after complimenting a mother on her "lovely children" just doesn't fly. Without the pinky, you're just insulting people under your breath. The pinky works sort of like a vantriliquist's dummy would on his arm. It talks a lot of trash, but it's okay because everybody just accepts the dummy as a character, eventhough, it's really the voice of a passive-aggressive miserable puppeteer.

In the shoe store that my dad owns and my uncle works in, there used to be a card catalogue of all the customers. It was a way to keep track of their purchases and shoe preferences before the computer age. But since all the old people working there liked it so much, they never bothered to update the system. The real pain-in-the-ass customers had a red marker line topping their card.

When Uncle Mickey rapped up a sale with a difficult man, he took it upon himself to use the red marker and record that "This guy's a clown." The difficult man may have deserved it, but trouble started when Uncle Mickey learned that he could also read upside-down. When backed into a corner, all that Uncle Mickey could come up with was that writing he's "a clown" was the store's code for a "really good customer". I'm starting to believe that maybe it's because he's so good at back-pedalling, that Uncle Mickey takes secret pleasure in getting caught. It gives him a reason to exersize his underrated talent.

But until you've become a master back-pedaller, I suggest you start with baby steps and use the pinky. Use it or lose it, that's what I say. I mean most of us have two that don't do much for us except make a poor attempt at looking fancy when you drink your tea.

Go on, what are you waiting for? Use yours...TODAY!


A couple little extras for you here, and I don't mean that in like thumbkins and pointers regarding the post.

I'm pretty excited about the latest renter I just took in on the sidebar over there---------------->

HauntedHouseDressing is a blog I had planned to stick up on my links at some point and time. I mentioned it about month or so ago in an old post called "Paying it For(ward) no reason at all" telling everyone about some interesting blogs that were definetely worth a click. It rocks. You need to take some time to really check this guy out. And be sure to click on the links under the "Jack and the Beanstalk" picture. Bubbles are magic. Wanna know more? I'm not making any sense? Well, of course I'm not, Silly! It won't make much of any darntootin' sense if you don't click on it.

And I am not going to give you an easy-peasy link to click on if that's what you're looking for, because that takes away from showing the true amount of clicks the renter recieves...Just ask our little friend at StumblingThroughLifeWithGrace. And you don't get a link there, either. No, no, no. You'll have to take your own lazy mouse's behind over there on the sidebar and do it yourself. Don't look at me like that. Hey! I saw you roll your eyes- don't you start with me!

Also, you must, you must, you must increase in my reccomendations! ( I know the Judy Blume fans feel a little let down). Click on this link to Tai's post over at Hello?IsThisThingOn? I promise you'll laugh- at her movie poster, if nothing else. And I'm sure that little blogger'll end up on the sidebar soon enough.


At 21 April, 2006, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

You are one twisted sister. LOL I bet it was a hoot growing up in your house. ;-)

At 21 April, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're obviously pretty good at the lying through your teeth business - thats one thing i'm hopeless at.

My method: Conflict Avoidance

> damn annoying person: Smile, compliment, back away quickly.
> gets you angry/fired up: Snide comment, with a smile, run.
> compliment fisher. divert to something true. "Nice...uh, shoes!" change topic, leave.
> get caught - back-pedal, divert and brush it off. [preferably don't get to this stage] Escape.

At 22 April, 2006, Blogger debbiecakes said...

Attila:Growing up in my house had it's priviledges, but nobody ever took anybody seriously, which was a major bummer when I was an overly dramatic and hostile teenager.

Fatty: Conflict Avoidance- I invented that method!

At 22 April, 2006, Blogger shirley said...

Wowie, the talking pinky is so much better than what I do! I'm usually just screaming, "eek!", ducking and running away! Yeah, while the annoying person's mid-sentence. It's that or a brain implosion.

At 23 April, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What happens when your pinky disgrees with somebody else's pinky? Boy, that could be big trouble. Could the thumbs get involved???

At 24 April, 2006, Blogger debbiecakes said...

I think that might be how thumb wars got started.

At 25 April, 2006, Blogger 3rd Times a Charm said...

I think I've needed the pinkie for years! The only problem is I am far too slow-witted to master the back-pedal.

I have a feeling that like your uncle Debbiecakes, you are just as adept at the back-pedal. I bow to your expertise!:-)

This was another great post! Thanks for the laughs.


At 26 April, 2006, Blogger Tai said...

Thaks for the shout out DC!

If I could figure out HOW to operate my sidebar, you'd be up there with bells on!


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